


muddy puddles

by pararrayos



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, but there's no chara death so yay, it's hard writing tags when they're spoilers to the fic but w/e
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-27 19:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pararrayos/pseuds/pararrayos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one dares to fix him, except for Yamaguchi Tadashi. He tries to glue the broken fragments piece by piece, he tries to stitch up his broken heart little by little, he tries to make him happy but he just couldn’t. Yamaguchi’s not a doctor, he can’t cure Tsukishima.</p>
            </blockquote>





	muddy puddles

**Author's Note:**

> this is for a friend who said that she wanted an angsty tsukiyama with no chara death so here u go xo  
> ((pardon any typos i'll be fixing them when i come back home))

It was when Tsukishima would torment Hinata and Kageyama that light and life would begin to simmer in his honey-colored eyes. They were so beautiful— like melted gold and shimmering stardust, like burning topazes and radiating moonlight.

It was when Yamaguchi would see him that his heart would flutter and ache, light up and then fade. He only stares at them from the sidelines; stares at them with hope seething within him, hoping that Tsukishima would look at him with those same eyes when he’s with him.

Yamaguchi only hopes.

There was no point in praying for miracles when prayers are never answered and miracles only happen in cloyed fairytales and cliché love stories.

So Yamaguchi hopes as he holds on to the last strands of his sanity.

 

* * *

 

 

When volleyball practice ended, and the sun had already set, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were side by side going home to their respective houses.

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said flatly.

Yamaguchi faced him, a sad smile creeping its way to his face; he knew what Tsukishima was going to say next, but he still asks anyway, “What is it, Tsukki?”

“Can I come over to your place? I feel kind of lonely right now.”

Yamaguchi wanted to cry; he wanted to let his tears fall, but despite all of those he just nodded.

“Okay…”

 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi wakes up with bright sunlight hitting his closed eyelids. His eyes flutter open, vision blurry, and mind foggy, but it doesn't take long before a smile stretches his thin lips. He wasn't alone in bed; Tsukishima was beside him eliciting soft snores and shallow breaths. He reaches out his hand towards him and dwindles his fingers with the stray blond locks that were sticking out all over.

Tsukishima's hair is soft against Yamaguchi's touch; it reminds him of the past where both of them used to hit each other with bags of feathers and fluff, it reminds him of the past and what they had which was now broken beyond repair. Their past got broken and then trashed and then pulverized into bits and pieces rendering it to nothing but dust.

He tries not to let sleep take over him again. He wants to treasure these little moments where the air around them smelled of morning breeze and spring's gentle kiss, not frenzied with haze nor stained with heady scents of sweat and sex.

Yamaguchi hopes it would last forever, hopes that he had the strength to resist closing his eyes and listening to Tsukishima's steady breathing. He doesn’t want to sleep because he knows when he wakes up again, he'll be all alone.

Yamaguchi falls asleep peacefully with his hand lightly clutching Tsukishima's hair.

 

* * *

 

 

When you start loving someone, there's no turning back. It’s like diving in an unknown pit; no one knows when it will end, no one knows how it will end. The deeper the pit, the greater impact, the more you love, the more it will hurt. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were no exceptions; both of them were falling in a dark endless pit where mercy is forgotten and eternal suffering is emphasized.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s been so long since Yamaguchi and Tsukishima started having _this_ relationship, it’s been so long since Yamaguchi last gave a genuine smile. He looked at himself at the mirror, and noticed his red bloodshot eyes and worn-out expression. He also notices the purpling marks on his neck and on his shoulder blade when Tsukishima sucked too harshly on them. Yamaguchi chuckles to himself exasperatedly before falling to the floor to cry his eyes out.

He was tired _dating_ Tsukishima.

Heck, they weren’t even dating in the first place.

 

* * *

 

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were sitting on a dinky loveseat when Yamaguchi finally had the courage to engage in a normal conversation, “Tsukki, are we friends?”

Tsukishima looked at him as he cocked one of his eyebrows, “Yeah, I guess…”

“ _Normal_ friends?”

The blond sighed, his expression darkening, “Can’t say.”

“Tsukki, I –,” Yamaguchi stood up from the loveseat and looked at him straight in the eye, “I’m in love with you, do you know that?”

“…yes, I do.”

“I love you so much that I want to go on dates with you, I want us to hold hands when we’re walking home from school, I want to embrace you, I want to be with you when _I_ feel lonely,” Yamaguchi hoped that Tsukishima would stop looking so lifeless, “I want to kiss you, Tsukki… I really do, but you only kiss me when you fuck me.”

It was Tsukishima’s turn to speak now.

“Are you tired?”

“…yes.”

“You can leave now, if you don’t want any of _this_ anymore, though I do remember asking for your consent whenever we…” Tsukishima trailed off, but Yamaguchi knows what he was implying.

A few seconds passed, Yamaguchi still stayed in his place—still looked at Tsukishima with dying determination and flickering energy.

“Well? The door’s right there,” Tsukishima jerked his chin towards the living room where the front door was located.

“I want to, but I can’t,” Yamaguchi sighed; he sat down beside Tsukishima when he felt that his bones were beginning to pierce through his skin. He plopped himself down the couch and stared into space, “…I guess I’m not strong enough to leave you just yet.

“There’s your answer,” Tsukishima said.

“I want us to be dating, not just fucking.”

“But the thing is we aren’t dating.”

Yamaguchi chuckled, “…of course not, you love someone else.”

“Yeah, I do, I do love someone else, and it’s not you.”

Yamaguchi was at the verge of crying, just one more strike and it’s over. He swallowed dryly before speaking, “…can’t it be me?”

Tsukishima sighed deeply. Saying sorry wasn’t one of his fortes, but he says it anyway, “…I’m sorry, Yamaguchi.”

“Tsukki?”

“What is it?”

“Let’s fuck.”

 

* * *

 

_Tsukishima Kei is a broken window, with its panes made up of glasses of sharp shards, with its body made up of steel making it difficult or maybe even impossible to renew. No one dares to fix him, except for Yamaguchi Tadashi. He tries to glue the broken fragments piece by piece, he tries to stitch up his broken heart little by little, he tries to make him happy but he just couldn’t. Yamaguchi’s not a doctor, he can’t cure Tsukishima, and he only ends up getting wounded instead. Lacerations and nicks pepper his body, and he’s aware of this, but despite that he still bears the pain._

 

“Ts-Tsukki…” Yamaguchi breathes out sharply as he comes when Tsukishima started to pump his aching erection while he was deep inside the freckled boy.

His knuckles were white as he grasped so tightly on the bunched up linings. Tears started to roll as Yamaguchi’s body began to mist with heat and bliss, his voice subdued as he pressed his lips deeper into the plush pillows and cottony sheets.

He looks up, and sees his reflection across the dresser; his face was flushed, pupils dilated, and cheeks wet with tears and sweat. Then he looks at Tsukishima, his eyes barely open, front teeth biting his lower lip, and shoulders quivering.

Actions speak louder than words, they said. Yamaguchi was a strong believer of that saying, but as time flew and passed, he found himself losing faith in the famous quotation.

It was words that made Yamaguchi so fragile.

He couldn’t find anything else to believe in when his life is filled with nothing but muddled puddles of doubt and sorrow, when his thoughts are filled with a person that uses him for sex when pent up libido and frustration was controlling every fiber of his being.

Yamaguchi cries more nowadays, but he doesn’t show Tsukishima. When he tries to hate Tsukishima, he ends up loving him more, when he tries to pry himself away from him, the more he gets attracted to him –like a bug nearing to a beautiful flame, it burns but you can’t stop loving it.

 

It really stings, when the person you love is in love with another person.

 

But at least Yamaguchi can stay by his side, and that’s enough to make him happy for a few days.

Tsukishima mutters something; Yamaguchi is able to hear it, “…yama.”

Yama?

Yamaguchi?

Or is it…

Kageyama?

Yamaguchi chuckles to himself, there’s no point in asking for answers when he already know what’s correct.

“Say it, Tsukki. Say Kageyama.”

And Tsukishima did as he came, shouting _Kageyama_ so fervidly and desperately that made Yamaguchi’s system break down. He cries tears of sorrow for the first time in front of Tsukishima, not sure why he did that when he and the blond had _nothing_ to begin with.

Tsukishima pulls out and mutters a quick apology, eyes dull and tired, body sticky with sweat.

Yamaguchi’s body is satisfied, but his heart will never be. So despite the heat and haze, and the tears that fell and the blood that had shed, Yamaguchi smiles his sweetest smile, and says, “Tsukki, it’s okay…”

Even if it isn’t.

_End_

**Author's Note:**

> yay  
> claps  
> i feel like crap  
> i don't even --  
> but i do /kinda/ ship tsukikage so --  
> whoops  
> bye and thanks for reading xoxo  
> let me know if i have typos or something


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